Mike lead us to a field (minefield, or mindfield) of positive/negative silence and positive/negative talk. We looked for, and also found some, examples of situations where we've experienced different types of silence and talk, and discussed what could be learned from that.
The key question seemed to be: What in me is stopping me from understanding the logic of the "others"? This seems to be very well in tune with Non-violent Communication, which we have discussed earlier on this forum - and which we decided to bring back and do again in the near future.
We also discussed trust - our most popular topic. Should we trust others after they have done something we value - or should we just trust people, before they have done anything? Perhaps great trust creates a space where great achievements happen?
Another interesting comment: "Assumptions are the mother of great mistakes." Mike gave us some Finnish conversaton rules, one of them being "One should not discuss the obvious" - this means that we Finns assume that it's obvious for everyone, what is obvious. But is it? Perhaps we should check what's obvious to whom - we might find very different understandings, especially if there are foreigners involved? Assuming and not checking might be dangerous.
Here are the rules Mike has found: (© Michael Berry/Turku School of Economics/Autumn 09)
One example of Finnish communication rules/norms created by over 1000 Finnish students and managers
The Finnish conversation rules below describe norms that are generally considered appropriate and feasible guidelines among Finns in everyday public situations. It is important to keep in mind that communication rules/ norms have positive and negative sides in different social contexts in every culture, and norms are also interpreted in positive and negative ways when compared with norms in other cultures. There are also individual, gender, regional differences, etc., as well as differences between formal and informal communication in every culture. People who avoid violating cultural norms in different situational contexts are respected by others in their local environment but often misunderstood by people from other cultures.
These ‘mainstream’ Finnish norms have something in common: don't waste words, listen with ‘active’ silence and add concrete value to the conversation. They are also rooted in Finnish comfort with quietness, extensive reliance on non-verbal communication (full of active silence which can contribute to being socially connected), and respect for the privacy of others. The role of non-verbal communication and the tone of the voice can be different in different local environments. Therefore, different ways of communicating can also bring confusion, even discomfort, within a national culture. Rarely sharing views with others and being too silent for negative reasons, violates these Finnish communication norms. The socially connected active silent non-verbal communication is powerful within Finland but often invisible to people from cultures uncomfortable with silence.
1. Julkisuudessa ei saisi haastaa riitaa. Ei ole sopivaa mainita aihetta, josta seuraa konflikti, ellei aihe ole tärkeä, hyvin perusteltu ja persoonaton. / When in public one should not be contentious, i.e. it is inappropriate to mention a topic that will arouse conflict unless it very important, one has very good arguments and they are impersonal.
2. Itsestäänselvyyksistä keskusteleminen on turhaa. / One should not discuss the obvious.
3. Puhutaan sellaista, joka on toisille relevanttia. / One should speak about things that are relevant for others.
4. Sosiaalisissa tilanteissa pitäisi havainnoida, kuunnella ja ajatella ennen puhumista. / In social situations one should observe, listen and think before speaking.
5. Puhumaansa täytyy sitoutua, tarkoittaa mitä sanoo ja seisoa sanojensa takana. ‘Puheestaan ihminen tunnetaan’. / One should be committed to what one says. You are known to be who you are by what you say.
6. Myöhempi kanssakäyminen perustuu siihen, mitä on sanottu. Kuuntelijoiden pitäisi kuunnella tarkasti ja valita omat sanansa huolellisesti. / What one says becomes the basis for subsequent relations. People should listen carefully and formulate what they say with care.
7. Asiaperustelut ovat vakuuttavia/uskottavia. Tunneperusteluilla on vain vähän vaikutusta etenkin tärkeistä asioista päätettäessä. / Arguments based on facts are convincing/believable. Arguments based on (and showing) personal feelings have little influence, especially when important decisions are being made.
8. Vaatimattomuus kaunistaa. Omista saavutuksista ei pitäisi puhua oma-aloitteisesti. Toinen voi tuoda ne esiin ja silloin niistä voi kertoa. / Modesty brings respect. One should not actively draw attention to one’s competence and achievements without being requested to do so.
Good luck to all, be positive - either in silence or by talking!
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